When I was asked if I would write something for this page that might assist South Africans coming to Dallas, I was a bit hesitant because my circumstances are different to most people who would contemplate emigration. I am a single parent, don't need to have people around me all the time and spend most of my personal hours working - all things that aren't really conducive to successful social integration, besides, I have no writing skills. Then I thought of how I would have loved to have someone to tell me of their experience - the good and the bad.

When I came to visit the USA in 1996 and was contemplating making the move, I was given a piece of advice by a very good friend who had emigrated some time ago. The comment to me was, "South Africans come here with an attitude problem and think that because they were successful there, that it will be their "right" here. If they only realized that keeping quiet and learning the system before trying to change it, would make them more readily accepted, then integration would be easier". I took note of that comment and made a conscious effort never to compare (well not outwardly, anyhow). This, coupled with the fact that I don't keep referring to South Africa as home, has helped me to be accepted by my American peers. To me, anyhow, home is where I spend time with my daughter, my private sanctuary or my personal castle. Our home is in Dallas, Texas, United States of America.

I promise not to tell you that you "have to pay your dues". I know, you know that you will have to. Nothing gets my blood pressure "shooting through the ceiling" like that comment does, and I have heard it more times than I care to recall. South Africans who are settled here, use it a lot and yet, I am sure that what they really mean to do is to hug you and say, "We know how afraid and alone you feel, we know how this seems an impossible task to accomplish, we know how your ego feels battered and bruised, we know that you are in culture shock, we know that you suddenly realize that English and American are two different languages, we know how you miss your family and friends". However, knowing that this is perhaps what they mean, and hearing it condensed into "you have to pay your dues", is not a whole lot of comfort to a newcomer.

I have an 18-year-old daughter who was in the matric year when we left Johannesburg. As I was sponsored, by a CPA firm in Dallas, I didn't have to worry about work, and settling my daughter into a routine as fast as possible, was my main concern. I had already decided on the school I wanted her to attend, but my visa took so long to be granted that we arrived at the end of the Texas school year. As it turned out, the timing was perfect because the school was able to enroll her for the new year and ascertain what credits she would be granted for her prior studies. The summer break gave her the time to do summer school courses to obtain the additional credits needed for her to graduate in 1998. The awarding of credit for studies, is taken from the child's school reports, (transcript). A tip that would be useful here, is to ensure that the school advises what their pass mark is and that Physical Ed is a compulsory "subject" taken by the children in South Africa. This "subject" was not mentioned on our report and since a student needs 1.5 credits of PE to graduate, my daughter had to make up those credits. As one can only gain half a credit per semester for a subject, she would not have been able to graduate in 1998. She had to make up the additional half a credit by doing a correspondence course (yes.... I know, don't ask HOW one can do PE via correspondence. this is America, remember ). She is nearly finished 12th Grade and with one additional summer school course, she will graduate and go to college.

Before we came to America, I had been advised that the school system was bad and that the level of education was extremely low. Although my daughter is a very average student, contrary to what I was warned, I have nothing but utmost praise for the whole system, as we have experienced it. The teachers and counselors are dedicated, enlightened and encouraging. They have kept in touch with me constantly and take a real interest in the well being of the children under their tutelage. I will be eternally grateful to the staff of J. J. Pearce High School for making her integration far easier than we ever imagined it would be.

Finding accommodation was very easy for me. I had determined the school that I wanted my daughter to attend and was restricted to an area due to school zoning. I found the right apartment on the day we arrived here, signed the lease the next day, and moved in two days later.

Getting a driver's license was a whole different experience, though. I was horrified that my daughter could get a license after 3 weeks of driver's ed., only 7 hours of practical driving experience and NO test at all. I, who had been driving for 25 years, had to go through a driving test! I remember that day so clearly. When last did you concentrate on perfecting parallel parking? I was mortified that I didn't make it into the parking bay and was sure I would fail. Luckily, the examiner took pity on me and must have seen how shocked I was at performing this feat so badly. She told me to carry on and we would park again at the end. The humiliation was awful. Oh, I got it by the way - the license I mean, and she never made me try that parking stunt again. A hint, although you know how to drive, read the manual when you get here and taken note of the speed limits - the testers take pride in "tripping you up" by simulating scenarios.

I run a kosher home and have found this to be extremely expensive and difficult to learn the products. I work long hours and don't have time to really "shop around" and because there is no book to guide me, I am finding that I am constantly asking friends for help with regard to the kosher brand names and products. Recently one of the supermarkets near where we live opened a kosher section that has made it far easier to access the products, but the cost factor has not changed.

For me, buying a car was by far the most difficult task. I had to have two and they were going to be the biggest capital outlay. All I knew about cars was that they had an engine, four wheels, great sound system and speed. I got more advice about buying a car than about anything else. In order to be mobile and get settled fast, I hired a car and perhaps this was not the smartest move I have made in my life. It gave me a sense of security of not having to make a decision too fast and it was extremely costly. The advice, that came to me across the board was, "don't buy American". Whilst that may well have been true in the late 70s and early 80s, I am still not convinced that this is so, as we fast approach the millennium. I know, that if not for a total stranger who was a client, (now also very special and dear friends to me) I would still be driving a hired car!!! I needed someone to actually "take me by the hand" and go with me to look, test-drive and choose - he did just that for me. It took me another 3 months and the patience of several other friends to eventually buy the second car. I am positive that every car salesman in town is older and grayer from their experience with me, as I looked every weekend and after work, not sure what to buy and not trusting my own judgement. So, when you come and the salesmen run away when they hear your accent, I cannot tell a lie - that is my fault. Looking back, I think it was the fear of making a mistake and buying a lemon that caused this hesitancy. There are companies here that do examine and report back on second hand vehicles and I would strongly recommend you use one of them. Oh, by the way, the drivers in this city are by far the worst I have ever encountered. I am not sure that they have ever realized that they have rear view mirrors, side mirrors, indicators and that in fact, they are NOT in possession of a license that states they own the stretch of tar they are traveling at any given time!

There are things that you probably know about already, if you have been contemplating a move to America, but I will mention them anyhow, since I found them frustrating because the system doesn't always seem to be consistent.

• Your social security number is the first thing you need to apply for. You can't do much without it. I couldn't open a bank account, enroll at the school or rent an apartment without it, yet I have a friend who did. I needed a guarantor to co-sign my lease (as we have no credit history when we get to USA) but I know of people who managed without this requirement.
• Getting credit is probably the second most important thing as it takes time to build a history. I would suggest either taking out a bank loan, secured by a CD or obtaining a secured credit card. In essence this means leaving a deposit at the bank that issues the card, and in turn you get the rights to use the card, up to a percentage of your saving with them. Never pay the card in full as this doesn't make you a "good credit risk" - here you need to pay consistently, but always have more owing than you settle. That's what keeps the credit card companies in business. Don't keep applying for credit (you will get all sorts of offers in the mail guaranteeing you instant credit) because each time you are refused due to insufficient information, it counts against your credit record.
• I had to wait 3 months before I got medical coverage at work and hadn't thought about what the consequences would be if either of us had a car accident. On sound advice from an American friend, I took out an accident policy. Even though it was expensive, I feel it was worthwhile because medical care here is prohibitive and had anything happened I would never have been able to cope with the bills.
• If you are on a working visa (as I am) my strong recommendation is that you apply for your greencard immediately. I waited for too long and as it can take about 3 years, my daughter could turn 21 before it is through and will then have to apply separately, with no guarantee of acceptance.
• Bring a letter from your insurance broker stating you had full no claim bonus privileges on your motor policies. This will help to reduce the premiums on your policies here. Your teen drivers are going to cost you "an arm and a leg" so be prepared for that.

Emigration to any country is hard. It is the most heart wrenching thing to leave your home, no matter how prepared you are or how "bad things are" there. I am not sure anyone can be fully prepared, but I think the wisest emigration investment I made before I left South Africa, was some family counseling on emigration. It made us aware of what we would have to face emotionally, and when we encountered it, we were somewhat prepared and it softened the blow. Your family unit (no matter how small) is the most important and precious thing to hold close and dear and when you make a move like this it needs as much nurturing as you can possibly give it.

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to live in America. I had never visited it, experienced it or even fully understood it, but as a young child I remember feelings of longing and extreme emotion, almost patriotism, when I saw movies that depicted happy, smiling loving families; apple pie, justice and the Star Spangled Banner - the "American Dream". Perhaps that still exists in some places, but it hasn't been my experience and I haven't yet seen that way of life. Instead I see a "throw-away" society; a jungle of self absorbed people fighting to stay on top; two parent families both working too hard in order to provide everything material for their children, yet not sitting down to a meal together; a waste factor that could probably feed the starving masses in Africa with enough for second helpings; children forced to be "adults" way before they are ready. You have to WANT to live in America or the pressures, the homesickness, the alien feelings, the ego battering, the degradation of self worth and the daily battle to remain on top, will wear you down fast. You have to come with the eyes of the wise, the open heart of a child and the strength of an elephant. All too often I hear people say they made the move for their kids. I have thought long and hard about that and yes, part of my reasoning was to offer my child a place that she could call home in 30 years time, but there is no guarantee that she will choose America as her permanent home. I made the move because I wanted to live here. I was following a dream - a dream I have had since I was a child, and even with the differences, even though I haven't found the "American Dream", I have found happiness, freedom, joy, excitement and challenge. I feel as if I have always been American, I was just born on the wrong continent.

I know I have been blessed and that I am extremely lucky that our emigration has been easier than most. I understand the agonizing you go through - not only to make the final decision, but to be accepted and fit in here, so that your life does not seem to be on hold or in ruins. Please let me assure you, there is a place for you in this Jewish Community and they WILL accept you and you WILL belong here within two years. Follow your dream; don't give up on it, travel the path you think is right. Just remember where you came from, where you have been and where you are going. From the bottom of my heart, I wish you the courage, patience and determination that will make your move an easy one.